She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
