If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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