The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
