I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
