life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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