Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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