oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
