Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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