Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
You smell like stripper and shame
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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