I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
