Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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