So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
