Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
