did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
When did angry sex become our thing?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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