Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
