You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
