She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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