3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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