Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
