walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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