My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Floor bacon is actually really good
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
