I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
