yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
