i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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