conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
