I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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