i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
