Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
