We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
