I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
