best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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