ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
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