so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
