I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
