I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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