come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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