Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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