FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
