yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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