i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
