so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
