someone threw a dead crab at me
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
