and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
