Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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