We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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