the condom got lost in my hair
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
My feet surprised me
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