I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
