We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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