I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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