aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
