ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
